


will you share your soul with me?

by hippopotamus



Series: paint me in trust [1]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fluff, Insomnia, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, camping trip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-11-15 15:54:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11234262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hippopotamus/pseuds/hippopotamus
Summary: There’s a school camping trip at the beginning of Isak’s second year. He’s not sure why he agrees to go, especially when he remembers how difficult it is for him to sleep anywhere that isn’t his own bed.It turns out he’s not the only insomniac on the trip.





	1. night 1 - "your boots don't match."

**Author's Note:**

> i've been writing this au for a long ass time and finally decided to start uploading. updates should be pretty frequent as i'm 80% done with the fic, plus editing, so hopefully every 2/3 days!
> 
> the title is from the song "human" by dodie clark and jon cozart, and it's perfect for this fic (and perfect in general)
> 
> i'm not norwegian, so apologies if there are any inaccuracies, etc :P
> 
> okay, hope you enjoy!

Isak thinks that if he had to rank the school trips he’d been on, this one would be at the bottom. Not only that, but it would be so far below the rest that if the second worst one was floor level, this one would be melting in 6000 degree heat in the Earth’s core.

Did someone forget to tell his school that they’re in Norway? That it’s too fucking cold for camping?

Okay, yeah, so it’s summer, and maybe the cold isn’t the worst part of the trip. He’s not freezing, exactly. He just wishes he was at home. This school trip has absolutely no purpose anyway, at least, none that he can see. There was something about getting to know each other, and clearing their heads before the year properly starts. They’d all figured, _yeah, a week away from school, we’ll take it_ , but Isak, for one, is regretting it.

The problem is, Isak is a notoriously bad sleeper. He’s always tossing and turning before sleep, has to move the pillows and blankets every which way before he finds the exact right angle, and then he has to count his breaths - in - 2 - 3 - 4 - and out - 2 - 3 - 4 - until he can fall asleep. And that’s in his own bed, in his apartment, in a room to himself.

So, it goes without saying that in a sleeping bag on the lumpy ground with Jonas snoring loudly next to him, sleep isn’t coming tonight. And they’re only on the first night of 5. He’s fucked, basically. And he wants to go home.

Heaving a sigh, he rolls over and sits up, the sleeping bag falling down his chest and letting the cold in to make him shiver. There’s no way he’ll be able to sleep now, so maybe a walk will tire him out enough for him to sleep a little later. Maybe he could get an hour or two of sleep before they all get rudely awoken at 9am.

He pulls two hoodies on and a pair of sweatpants, because he’s a wimp who hates the cold, and then checks the time on his phone.

 _03:03_ blinks at him tauntingly, too bright in the darkness of the tent. He screws his eyes up in annoyance, then shoves the phone into his front pocket, and scrambles around in the tent’s porch for his boots. Finally, he pulls a beanie over his curls, and steps out of the tent.

Had he been in the mood to appreciate it, he would have realised how beautifully tranquil it is outside. The moon is bright, casting light onto the wet grass in front of him, and this far from the light pollution of the city, the stars are out. The air is still, and he can barely hear a thing. It’s as if he’s the only one alive.

He isn’t in the mood to appreciate it, though. He’s in the mood to go home.

There’s a woodland at the edge of the open field, which he moves towards, and starts to wander aimlessly through the trees. It occurs to him that it’s not the wisest move - to walk into a forest in the middle of the night - who knows what he’ll find there? But then, they’re on a campsite, not in the wilderness. If there was any danger at all, the school wouldn’t bring them here.

It’s peaceful, actually, the only sound the rustling of leaves above his head and the cracking of twigs under his feet, and the flashlight from his phone illuminates the dark path in front of him, showing him where he’d walked earlier in the day with Jonas when they first arrived and looked around. It’s a relief that he knows where he is, at least, and he won’t have any trouble getting back, once he’s worn himself out enough to sleep. If he manages that, that is.

“Your boots don’t match.”

The voice comes out of the darkness, making Isak jump in terror. He turns to the side, swinging his flashlight round so that it lands on a boy sitting on a fallen tree just off the side of the path, who screws his eyes against the light when it lands on him. He thinks he’s seen him before, on the coach earlier, sitting by himself near the front, and remembers reluctantly admitting to himself that, _wow, he has a nice face_.

“Jesus,” Isak says, breathing heavily. “Don’t do that.”

The boy chuckles. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. Didn’t expect anyone to be out here at this time.”

“Except yourself,” Isak replies, lifting an eyebrow. “Why are you sitting in pitch darkness?”

The boy shrugs, acknowledging Isak’s question, but asking a different one of his own instead of answering. “What’s your name?” he asks. “I don’t think I’ve seen you before.”

“Isak.”

“Isak,” the boy repeats with a smile, “I’m Even, nice to meet you.”

Isak nods, unsure what else to say, but reluctant to walk off just yet.

“So what brings you out here, Isak? In shoes that don’t match?”

Isak glances down to see that he’s put on one of Jonas’ boots by accident, and coughs to hide his embarrassment.

“Uh, can’t sleep, I guess. You?”

“Same. Come sit down if you want,” Even suggests. “We can distract each other.” Isak hesitates for a moment. “Or not,” Even adds, “just a suggestion.” He moves a hand up to his ear, and Isak notices a joint balanced there. Even gives him a mischievous grin, and that’s all it takes to persuade Isak to take the few steps towards Even.

He perches down on the edge of the log, trying to make sure it’s not wet before he sits, and leaves his flashlight face up so that they can have some semblance of visibility in the dark of the night, while Even lights up and takes the first drag.

He hands the joint to Isak a few seconds later, and Isak fumbles a little in the dark, but manages to keep hold of it. He can feel Even’s eyes on him while he inhales, and the first intake of harsh smoke into his lungs relaxes him immediately. He breathes out steadily, watching the smoke spread out in front of him, eyes fixed straight ahead to stop himself looking at Even too much.

“So, why can’t you sleep?” Even asks when Isak hands back the joint.

Isak shrugs. “Need my own bed. What about you?”

“I've never been too fond of sleeping,” replies Even, and Isak wants to ask what exactly he means. For Isak, and, he previously thought, for most teenagers, sleep is the best thing in the world, even if it does often stay just that bit out of his reach.

“Weird,” Isak comments, and Even huffs a laugh.

“Is it weird?” he asks. “I just find there’s better things to do.”

“Nothing’s better than sleep,” Isak replies.

“Then why aren’t you sleeping?”

“I would be if I could,” Isak protests. “I came out here for a walk to tire myself out.”

“How’s that working out for you?”

“Some guy jump scared me in the middle of a dark forest,” replies Isak, “so I don’t think I’ll be sleeping for the next year at least.”

Even lets out a low chuckle and knocks his shoulder into Isak’s. Isak gives a smile in return, then hands the joint back. He looks down while he does so, but even when looking away, and in the dark, somehow he can still feel Even’s piercing gaze on him, and he doesn’t really know what to make of it.

He’s probably just tired. It is past 3 in the morning, after all, and he has a habit of losing his grip on reality when he needs to sleep.

He can’t think of anything else to say that doesn’t sound completely ridiculous, and Even doesn’t speak either. They spend the next few minutes passing the joint back and forth in silence.

There’s several moments when he’s close to speaking up, asking something pointless like “why would you bring weed on a school trip” or even just “what’s your favourite colour” for something to say, but he can’t make himself get the words out; he doesn’t want to embarrass himself, or something.

Even turns to him eventually, with a lopsided smile. “Awesome conversation, right?”

Isak laughs, thankful for Even breaking the silence first. “Yeah. One of my greatest skills is holding a conversation. Especially in the middle of the night with someone I met ten minutes ago.”

Even looks at his watch. “I make it twelve. And I shared my weed with you. So, what gives?”

Isak smiles to himself. “Maybe we should do that “get to know each other” thing they made us do today.”

“Oh yeah, what the fuck was that? I swear I heard one of my teachers call it a “love exercise” so I just left.”

Isak snorts. “Oh, god. If I'd heard them call it that I would have been right out of there.”

“You could have come smoked with me instead.”

“How much fucking weed did you bring on this trip, man?”

“Everything I have. I'm fairly sure my mum’s planning to look through my stuff while I'm gone, so...”

“So you brought it on a school trip.”

“What can I say? I live for danger.”

“Jeez,” Isak says. “A school trip.”

Even gives a mischievous grin, and takes another drag, before explaining.

“School finding my weed would be nothing compared to my mother. Fiercest woman in all of Oslo.”

“Well,” smiles Isak. “I'm not complaining.”

The rest of the conversation is easy, back and forth between them until the joint is long finished and the sun begins to rise. They watch it together, or rather, they watch the world around them getting lighter, and hear the birds begin to sing. The sun itself is blocked by trees, but it doesn’t matter to Isak, because he thinks maybe it would be too much, to see something like that with someone he met only a little over 2 hours ago.

Isak, reluctantly, realised he’s tired enough to sleep. For once in his life, he doesn't want to.

“So,” Even says, as if he’s read Isak’s mind. “Are you going to be able to sleep now?”

“I’ll never be able to sleep with this racket,” grumbles Isak, after a crow starts to call from a tree near them. “But yeah, I guess I should try, shouldn’t I? They’ll be waking us up in a few hours.”

“Yeah, you should try,” Even laughs when Isak lets out a huge yawn a second later.

“What about you? Surely you have to sleep too sometimes.”

Even gives an exaggerated sigh. “I do, unfortunately.”

It’s Even who stands up first, and Isak watches him for a moment before he turns and holds his hands out to Isak.

“Need help standing up, sleepyhead?”

Isak lets out an unintelligible mumble, ignores the hands held out to him (because he doesn’t think Even is expecting him to take them) and pushes himself off the log as if it’s the most difficult thing in the world, which it does feel like right now. Even lets his hands fall back to his sides with a grin at Isak, and leads the way back out of the forest.

It’s a short trail, and they follow it in silence. When they reach the edge of the field, they go in opposite directions, with nothing more than a “see you around,” and a half-hearted wave. It feels like the magic of the night and the forest has been shattered somehow now that they’ve left, and it’s difficult to speak freely like they had been just a few minutes earlier.

Isak tries not to dwell on it as he trudges back to his tent. He reasons to himself that just because it’s hard to speak in daylight, doesn’t erase the ease he felt speaking to Even in the dark, it doesn’t mean that the calm he felt in the forest wasn’t real. It’s just harder to find in the light.

Sleep comes easily, when he’s back in his tent. Jonas has stopped snoring, and Isak’s mind has rewound to the log, replaying the easy conversations and quiet laughter, using the memory of Even’s calming voice to lull him into sleep.

Later, as he's being woken up in the morning by Jonas shaking him and loud chatter outside, he’ll realise he's forgotten anything that they talked about, but he doesn't think he’ll ever forget the way that sitting with Even on a fallen tree in the middle of the night made him feel peaceful, for what felt like the first time in his life.


	2. night 2 - "don't want to be seen"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> music, smoke, and a midnight adventure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhhhhello there! i'm back already bc i'm a loser who can't let this fic go! i'm gonna keep going on about it for the rest of my life! and i'm not even sorry!
> 
> thank you so much for the response on the last chapter, it was brilliant! made me feel all squishy inside :D
> 
> hope you enjoy chapter 2!

It’s the middle of the night again, and Isak is still wide awake.

It doesn't take him ages to decide to leave his tent tonight, though. He doesn't spend hours trying to toss and turn, bundle himself up in his sleeping bag or press his face into the pillow. Tonight, it’s barely past midnight, and Jonas has just started to snore loudly, when Isak abandons the tent and goes back to the forest. He's not looking for Even, exactly. But in the back of his mind he thinks it’d be nice to find him again. Maybe he'll be out there.

He follows the same path, goes to the same log, and smiles when he sees him, this time leaning against the tree with his feet up.

Even speaks first, noticing Isak as soon as he arrives and lifting his head with a smile. “Can’t sleep again?”

Isak shakes his head. “You still got more interesting things to do?”

“As always,” Even replies, then swings his legs around to make room for Isak, who doesn't hesitate in sitting this time.

“So what are you doing this time?” Isak asks.

“Thinking,” says Even. “And listening to music.”

“Doesn’t sound more interesting than sleep.”

“Clearly you aren’t listening to the right music, then,” Even replies quickly, raising his eyebrows at Isak. “What do you listen to?”

Isak looks down at his hands, nervous for some reason. “Uh, I’m a pretty big NWA fan, I guess.”

“That’s what you listen to to make you feel hyped?”

“It’s like, what you listen to when you want to feel cool, I guess,” Isak tries to explain, but regrets his words immediately. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt less cool.

Thankfully, Even doesn’t point it out. Instead, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of tangled earphones. “You ever listened to Nas?” he asks.

“Nas?” Isak questions.

“Are you kidding?”

Shit. That was the wrong thing to say, then. Now that he thinks about it, Even looks pretty bothered by his answer. He knows it’s irrational, but what if he’s ruined it?

“Huh? I’ve listened to Nas,” Isak says hurriedly. “Nas,” he tries again, saying it differently. “Nas?”

“Here,” Even laughs, passing him an earbud. Isak is relieved by the sound of his laughter; he hasn’t ruined it after all. “I’ll educate you.”

“I have listened to it!” he still insists on saying, but he’s smiling more now that he knows that Even isn’t upset.

“Him,” corrects Even, grinning.

“Yeah, that too,” Isak mumbles, placing the earbud in his ear, and waiting for Even to start the song.

Isak usually has to listen to songs several times over before falling in love with them, but for this song, it happens instantly. He doesn't dwell on why that is, instead focuses on listening, because Even is showing him this song that he loves, and it feels a little bit like trust, like something he shouldn’t take lightly.

It’s difficult to make out most of the words, but he hears “ _I never sleep, ‘cause sleep is the cousin to death_ ,” and smiles to himself, and glances over to Even to see him mouthing along to the lyrics.

Even notices him looking. “Like it?” He asks, and Isak nods. “Good.”

They stay silent for the rest of the song. Isak finds himself tapping his foot in time to the music, and when he looks to the side he sees Even smiling at him.  Isak returns the smile, and wonders why exactly his stomach feels like it’s twisting as he does so.

The song finishes, and Isak waits a moment, before taking the earphone out and handing it back to Even.

“It was good,” he says. “Thanks for showing me it.”

“No problem,” replies Even. “I'm glad you liked it.”

He returns the headphones into his jacket pocket, and fishes out a joint and lighter instead, holding it out to Isak with a playful smile.

“So,” Isak says, eyebrows raised, “when you said you brought _all_ of your weed-”

“I meant it,” replies Even. “Want to share?”

“Uh, yeah, I mean, I don’t have any- I can’t pay you, or anything, though.”

Even shrugs. “I’m not gonna ask you to pay, Isak. I’m sharing it with you. And it’s probably a good thing that I don’t smoke it all by myself.”

Isak gives a relieved huff of laughter. “Okay, cool, yeah,” he says. “Yeah, I’ll share.”

Even grins at him, then lights up the joint. The smoke that pours out of his mouth is somehow hypnotising to Isak, and he wonders whether he can put that down to the swirling pattern it makes against the night sky. He’s not sure he can.

A few minutes of meaningless conversation pass between them. Isak welcomes it, lets the sound of Even’s calming voice wash over him, knowing with every single minute that passes he feels more at ease with his surroundings, and that’s partly, yes, because he’s getting high, but partly, also, because he feels comfortable around Even, in a way that usually takes him a while with new people.

“Fuck, I’m so hungry,” Even groans after they finish the joint between them. Isak hums in agreement. “I didn’t bring any food. Do you have any?”

Isak has to shake his head guiltily, but teases. “Sorry. Didn’t actually plan to spend my night getting high, so I didn’t bring snacks.”

Didn’t he plan this? He knows he’d been looking for Even before he’d abandoned his efforts of sleeping. Perhaps it’s not a lie to say this, though, he wasn’t to know that he’d find him, or that he’d have weed. He wasn’t to know that he’d be invited to sit and share it.

Even gives an exaggerated sigh. “Typical. I share my weed and you can’t even provide food in return.” Isak laughs softly. “You’re just a massive freeloader, aren’t you?”

“That’s me,” confirms Isak, ignoring the pang of guilt in his chest at the truth in Even’s words, his mind darting back to the texts from Eskild “ _Rent money’s due, baby jesus!”_  and the only texts he ever sends his father “ _need money for rent. 4000kr_ ” the responses to which – requests to have dinner together and such - he always ignores.

He’s glad when Even moves the conversation along rapidly, so he can stop dwelling on it.

“Do you reckon the kitchen is still open?”

“It’s nearly 1 in the morning, Even.”

“They might not lock it,” he says, but Isak is shaking his head before Even finishes the sentence.

“I am _not_ breaking into the kitchen with you. No way.”

“It’s not breaking in if they leave it open. It’s making the most of an opportunity.”

“And what if it’s not open?”

“Then we’ll come straight back, I promise.”

Isak continues to shake his head, but Even begins to nod instead, grinning cheekily at Isak.

Two minutes later, in some annoying turn of events in which he realises he’s far too easily persuaded, he’s following Even around the back of the main cabin to the door that leads into the kitchen.

“I can’t believe you’re making me do this,” he says in a whisper, not wanting to wake anyone up.

“I’m hungry, you’re hungry, we’re hungry. This is the only way.” Even fixes Isak with a dramatic stare, and Isak rolls his eyes.

“It really isn’t the only way,” he reasons. “Do you not have food in your bag or something?”

“Psh, I already gave you weed, and you’re expecting me to give you food too? Scrounger.”

Isak feels the twinge of guilt in his chest again, but is distracted by Even swinging the kitchen door open.

“See? I told you it’d be open,” he grins, then slips inside, without turning the lights on.

“You probably shouldn’t walk around a kitchen with no lights on,” Isak whispers from the door.

“But you don’t want to be seen,” replies Even from somewhere in the darkness.

“I also don’t want you to get impaled on a sharp knife or something.”

Even doesn’t reply for a moment, but Isak can hear him shuffling around. Then, bright light shines in his eyes, and he hears Even cackling as he throws an arm up in front of his face to shield his eyes.

“Payback for yesterday,” Even says, sounding far too happy, and Isak gives an exaggerated sigh.

“Yesterday was payback in the first place, though. You know, for when you jump scared me in the middle of a dark forest. Do I have to jump scare you, now?”

Even just laughs some more, and Isak presses his lips together in irritation. He’s not really annoyed, though. It’s still difficult to fight the amused look spreading across his face as Even smirks at him.

Even shines his phone light around the rest of the room, while Isak stays, hovering at the doorway. It doesn’t take long for Even to somehow find bread and cheese, and he holds them up victoriously.

“Tell me I’m brilliant,” he commands, and Isak shakes his head. Even flicks his eyebrows up in offense. “Well, I guess I’m eating these by myself then.”

Isak’s stomach gives a loud grumble, and Even tries not to laugh, while Isak scowls at his body giving away his secrets, and moves towards Even to try and snatch the food away from him, but Even holds it behind his back.

“Tell me I’m brilliant,” he repeats, eyes sparkling with laughter.

“Never,” insists Isak, making another grab for the bread, but Even just keeps moving backwards, while Isak pouts at him and follows.

“You can’t win this,” Even tells him, teasing. “Just say it. Say I’m brilliant.”

Isak seals his lips firmly together, and glares at Even, hoping to break his resolve. Even simply stares back, bright blue eyes shining in the low light, and eyebrows raised in a challenge.

Isak doesn’t count on how difficult it is to maintain eye contact with Even. He lasts about three seconds, and then his stomach saves him by growling again, and he sighs dramatically, as if he’s not thankful for it, and looks down at the floor, throwing his hands a little way up in defeat as he does.

“Okay, you’re brilliant, Even. Can I please have some food now?”

His gaze stays fixed firmly on the floor for a while after he speaks, but he’s pretty sure he knows the exact look Even is giving him.

They end up sitting on top of the metal work surfaces to eat, because there’s no chairs in the kitchen, and they can’t be bothered to stay standing.

“Ugh, I wish we could turn the oven on in here,” Even says. “I wanna toast it.”

“With spices,” Isak says, voice muffled by the fact that he’s already stuffed the bread into his mouth. “You can’t forget the spices.”

Even grins at him. “A man after my own heart,” he says, and Isak returns the grin, then wonders if he’s getting indigestion from eating too fast.

They’ve been stuffing their faces without shame for around four minutes when they hear the front door to the cabin open, and immediately they look at each other, freezing with guilty looks on their faces, before they snap into action, pushing themselves off the counters and dashing out into the night to avoid getting caught.

Isak is thankful that whoever it is hadn’t chosen to come straight through the kitchen door, like he and Even did. There’s still a hallway between them, and they have time to escape the kitchen before they’re seen. Isak hopes that they won’t recognise Even’s voice, because he’s repeatedly muttering “fuck, fuck, fuck” in a frantic voice as he snatches up his phone from the counter and follows Isak as he runs out of the door.

They sprint all the way across the field, and by some silent agreement end up back at the log together, where Even leans over, hands on his knees and breathes heavily, before he starts to laugh.

“That was awesome.”

Isak hasn’t yet caught his breath enough to disagree, but attempts an unimpressed shake of his head at Even, before slumping down onto the log and taking several deep breaths.

“You’re the worst person I’ve ever met,” Isak announces, as soon as he can breathe enough to talk.

“Please,” scoffs Even. “I’m easily the best person you’ve ever met. Who else would give you such an adrenaline rush?”

_ Yeah, who else?  _ Isak thinks, then pushes that thought far down.

“I told you there were better things than sleep.”

“I’d take sleep over running through a dark campsite at half one in the morning.”

“Nah, you wouldn’t,” Even says with certainty.

“Do I have to remind you that there’s only one of us who is awake by choice here?”

“You mean lie to me, not remind me, right?”

Isak rolls his eyes, then tilts his head back to look at the sky, once again pretending to be irritated with Even, who just continues to smirk at him, before moving to sit next to him on the log.

Where earlier there’d been a careful space between their bodies on the bench, now there isn’t one. They aren’t pressed close, the contact between their arms barely a gentle brush, but it’s still all Isak’s mind can focus on. His breathing is still heavy from exertion, and he’s certain that Even isn’t making it any better, but he doesn’t seem to be moving away anytime soon.

Isak is suddenly desperate to lean his head on Even’s shoulder, he’s overwhelmed with the urge to feel Even’s arm wrapped around him.

He taps the fingers of his right hand against his leg instead, to distract himself from the thought, then looks up at the trees in front of him, and wills his mind away from whatever this is.

“You know,” Even says after a while, “I’m still hungry.”

Isak turns his head towards him, shaking it slightly. “Don’t you dare.”

Even breaks into a laugh. “I’m kidding.”

“I’m never listening to your ideas again, by the way.”

Even makes an offended noise, and pushes his shoulder into Isak’s. For a minute, Isak wonders if Even pushed into him rougher than he meant to, because his shoulder tingles, but it takes him a minute to realise that it’s not pain that he’s feeling, and again, he has to work on shutting his feelings down, and looking the other way.

“I’ll change your mind,” Even says, and Isak’s forgotten what they’d been saying, so he lets out a confused “huh?”

“About not listening to my ideas. I have some great ideas.”

“Give me three good ones,” says Isak. “And I’ll think about it.”

“You’ll think about it? Is that all I get?”

“Uh, yeah? After tonight, I’m being generous.”

Even pulls a grumpy face, thinks for a moment, then his face lights up. “Free weed for everyone.”

Isak can’t help his smile, but manages to keep his response snarky. “Imaginative.”

“You come up with a better idea, then,” Even challenges, raising his eyebrows at Isak.

“I’m not the one who had the bad idea in the first place.”

“But if you can’t come up with a good one now, then you have no right to talk.”

Neither of them do come up with any brilliant ideas. Mostly, they’re just repetitions of “free stuff” and clichés like “world peace”, and Isak doesn’t think either of them really take the challenge seriously. It doesn’t matter though, because it’s easy. They can talk, smile, laugh freely, say stupid shit, pretend to be deep. None of it matters, because it comes naturally, and it feels simple.

The world is beginning to awake again when Isak lets out a yawn, and Even grins at him.

“I guess we should go to bed, yeah?”

Isak gives a reluctant nod, and stands slowly.

They walk to the edge of the forest together again, and this time it’s easier to speak in the light. Not as easy as it is in the dark, still, but easier. More comfortable, calmer, simple. Slightly bittersweet, in a way, that it’s becoming easier to say goodbye, but maybe that makes it easier to say hello again.

“See you tomorrow?” Even asks, voice full of tired warmth, and Isak smiles back.

“Probably,” he replies, fighting down a yawn. “You know me. I don’t sleep.”

“Sleep’s the cousin to death,” Even says, sounding almost as if he’s rehearsed saying this, and Isak nods, letting out a quiet laugh.

“Yeah,” he says. “See you tomorrow.”

Even nods, and turns to walk in the opposite direction, with one last gentle smile at Isak.

If Isak looks behind him to watch Even walk away, he won’t admit to it out loud.

 

 


	3. night 3 - "insomniac buddies"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> clouds, secrets, and the insomniacs’ bro-code

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh guys, thank you so much for the response to this fic, its been incredible!!
> 
> shout out to @thegirlwhocouldntfindthewords for drawing [this](https://thegirlwhocouldntfindthewords.tumblr.com/post/162053801910/so-these-should-be-even-and-isak-smoking-on-the) incredibly adorable art of isak and even sitting on their log!! its so cute and incredible and it made my year honestly! (hope its okay to link it here!)
> 
> hope you enjoy this chapter!!

Isak arrives to the log first, this time. He doesn't doubt that Even will show up, though.

And he's right, he's barely waiting on their log (he doesn't know when he started referring to it in his head as _their_ log) for five minutes, before Even is there, this time with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders like a cape.

“Off to save the world?” Isak asks with an amused smile.

“We're going stargazing,” Even answers with certainty, confusing Isak slightly.

“Have you ever heard of clouds?” Isak replies, glancing up at the dark sky. There isn't a star to be seen, all of them covered by a thick blanket of swirling grey.

Even lets out a noise as if to say “whatever,” and then starts to walk off. It doesn't cross Isak’s mind not to follow.

He has to walk fast to catch up with Even’s long strides, but soon enough he manages to fall into step beside him. They walk for around five minutes, and Even leads Isak to the other end of the woodland, to a grassy hill. Isak finds he's not even annoyed that he's being made to do exercise, because Even seems so excited about this, practically bouncing all the way there.

They lay down side by side on the blanket at the top of the hill, and Isak wishes it was a clear night, because the view of the stars from here would be incredible.

Even produces more weed from somewhere, and it’s all Isak can do not to roll his eyes, as Even grins cheekily at him.

“I hope you brought snacks this time,” Isak says, and Even reaches back into his pockets and pulls out two chocolate bars, throwing one to Isak with a triumphant look on his face. “Did you hear that announcement they made this morning?” Isak continues, with a grin. “‘ _Please don’t go into the kitchen after lights out,’”_ he mimics, and Even laughs.

“We’re rebels, you and I,” he smiles. “We should go on another kitchen adventure later.”

“That’s not happening. And they’ll have locked it now, anyway.”

“Then we’ve changed the world,” Even declares, throwing his arms wide, narrowly avoiding colliding with Isak, who jerks out of the way just in time. “Just imagine, all the other students who wanted to get a midnight snack, who can’t now, because of _us_.”

Isak turns his head to the side to give Even a bemused look. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re ridiculous?”

“They’ve tried. They just can’t knock me down, though.”

Isak shakes his head, trying to be exasperated with Even, but still grinning at him.

They smoke in comfortable silence for a while after that, and then, a few minutes later, when Isak feels relaxed, Even speaks.

The mood has changed, somehow, even before he does. What had been playful banter has become a serious, quiet, thoughtful atmosphere, and Isak doesn’t know what to make of it.

“Tell me a secret,” Even says slowly, placing the joint between Isak’s lips for him to take a drag, and the shift in tone makes sense. “Something you haven’t told anyone before.”

Isak thinks for a moment. He lifts the joint away from his mouth, forcing his mind away from where Even’s fingers brushed his lips as he placed the joint there, and hoping that the tingling sensation will leave with the joint. It doesn’t, but what did he expect? He turns his mind back to Even’s request instead.

Secrets, right. He’s got plenty of those.

There’s one that’s jumping out at him, desperate for him to speak out loud, but he pushes past it; he's not ready yet. What with the tingling feeling of fingers on his lips, and every other feeling that he’s been getting around Even, it would feel like too much of a risk. Instead, he reaches further into the depths of his mind for an embarrassing childhood story or guilty pleasure, or something. It’s not hard to find one that’s relatively harmless for Even to know.

“I’m scared of thunderstorms,” Isak admits. He always has been, but he’s never told anyone this before, because, thankfully, thunder doesn’t happen all that much, and when it does, he’s usually safe inside - and being an introvert means he’s usually alone when the loud rumbles and sudden flashes make him jump and want to burrow under his covers.

Even lets out a “huh”, and Isak wonders if he’s trying not to laugh, but when he chances a look to the side, he just sees an understanding smile on Even’s face, and he realises that he knew all along that Even wouldn’t laugh at him.

Isak passes the joint back, wishing he had the bravery that Even did, to place it between the older boy’s lips, but he can’t. He simply holds it out, and waits for Even to take it from him.

“What about you?” he says as Even reaches for the joint. “You have to tell me something too. Fair’s fair.” He’s aware he sounds childish, but he wants to know something about Even that no-one else does, if Even gets something about him.

Even hums thoughtfully, looking up at the sky, and takes a drag before answering. “I don't know.” He grins playfully. “Sometimes I listen to Gabrielle.”

Isak splutters. “ _Gabrielle_?” he exclaims. “As in, _5 Fine Frøkner_ , Gabrielle? That one?”

“This is why it's a secret,” Even replies.

“Jeez. I thought you were cool.”

Even makes an offended noise. “I _am_ cool, thanks. Cooler than you, anyway.”

“You listen to Gabrielle.”

“You know what? I regret telling you my secrets. And giving you my weed.”

Isak knows he's joking, but he still clears his throat and mumbles an apology. He’s done exactly what Even would never do, laughed at Even’s confession, and maybe it seemed like an insignificant admission, but he’s fucked it up now.

Even laughs and pushes his elbow gently into Isak’s arm, giving him instant comfort. “Kidding,” he says softly. “Can't think of a better person to share secrets and weed with than a fellow insomniac.”

Isak can't think of a good answer to this, but smiles to himself anyway, and continues to look up at the cloudy sky. He's not sure what he's looking for, but he knows he can’t look at Even.

He searches for something else to say, some other conversation to have, because his mind has gone back now, it’s fixed itself again on the brush of Even’s fingers against his lips, and he needs to move away from that.

“I saw you today,” he says, after a while, grasping at the only conversation he can think of.

“I saw you, too,” Even replies, sounding slightly confused. “Is that so strange? We’re on the same trip.”

“No, that’s not what I mean,” explains Isak. “I saw you with third years.”

“Yeah,” replies Even, slowly. “You didn't think I was a first year, did you?” He raises his eyebrows, and Isak feels his cheeks heat up in embarrassment. In fact, it hadn’t crossed his mind what year Even is in, until he’d seen him earlier today.

“I just didn't think about it,” he explains, defensive. “But you didn’t come to Nissen last year?”

“No, I went to Bakka,” Even says, but doesn’t explain further. It doesn’t satisfy Isak’s curiosity, though.

“Why’d you transfer in your final year?” Isak asks hesitantly, before changing his mind. “I mean, you don’t have to say, it’s-”

“It’s fine,” Even says lifting the joint from his mouth to breathe smoke into the night sky. “I just - some shit happened, I guess.”

“Oh,” Isak says, thinking that that’s all he’ll get about it.

“That’s my real deep dark secret,” Even laughs softly. “So if I tell you, you have to tell me yours.”

“I don’t have any deep dark secrets,” Isak lies.

“Of course you do. Everyone does.”

There’s silence between the two for a moment, Isak lost in worried thoughts of _can he tell? What would Even think? Would he realise?_

“Do we have a deal?” Even asks with a smile, and Isak takes the chance.

“Yeah, okay. We have a deal.”

“Alright,” he takes another drag, holds it a minute, and then speaks with the exhale. “I’m bipolar.”

Isak hadn’t known what to expect from Even’s confession, maybe something like “I slept with a teacher.” That doesn’t seem like Even, though he’s forced to realise, maybe he doesn’t really know Even. It’s barely been 48 hours since they met.

He doesn’t know how to react. “Oh,” he says simply. He hates that the first thing he thinks of is his mother, and how he messed things up with her. Even would hate him if he found out. Or worse, he might think that Isak would hate _him_ , although it's been 48 hours, and Isak already knows he could never hate Even.

Even tilts his head to look at him, half-smile on his face as though he can’t see the inner turmoil inside Isak’s head right now (which, Isak remembers, he really _can’t_ ) then passes the joint over, this time, thankfully, he puts it into Isak’s hand, and not his lips. Isak’s not sure he could deal with that again.

“Your turn,” he says, as Isak moves the joint to his mouth and takes a drag.

He now considers whether telling Even about what he did to Eva last year would be considered cheating. There’s no doubt he’s ashamed of that too, and he hasn’t told anyone before; Eva worked it out.

Even’s words resonate in his mind, though, Even’s told him _that_ , so in the end, he just says it, on the exhale, just like Even had, praying that it won’t change anything between them.

“I’m, uh, I’m gay.” It’s the first time he’s said it out loud.

When he realises this, he waits to feel something, relief or terror or _wrong_. He waits for Even to laugh, or hate him, and he waits for his brain to catch up and tell him, _no, you’re not, that’s not right, take it back_.

In the end, he’s in a strange limbo of feeling nothing until Even replies.

“Thank you,” he says quietly, and that’s all it takes for the emotions to flood into Isak. Mostly, it’s relief. Even’s not mad, or disgusted. And then it’s a feeling of being real, for once in his life, of feeling honest with himself. He could laugh, and yet, he could so easily cry, too.

“I’ve never told anyone that before,” he says, in a slightly strangled voice.

“Well, that was the point of the game, wasn’t it?” Even smiles and Isak feels a comforting hand come to rest on top of his forearm, where it’s lying on the blanket between them. “To tell something you've never told before?”

“So, what, no-one knows that you’re bipolar?” Isak says, desperate to take the focus away from himself.

“People know,” replies Even. “But I’ve never told anyone. Not out loud.”

“Oh,” Isak says again.

“Because,” Even continues. “My parents found out from the doctors, and they told everyone who needed to know, family and all my teachers and stuff. I even made them tell my ex-girlfriend.”

_Ex-girlfriend_ , Isak thinks, slightly bitterly, _figures_.

He swallows that down, tries to move away from it. “Thanks for telling me,” he gives Even a weak smile.

“I can’t think of anyone better to tell than my insomniac buddy,” Even grins, giving Isak’s forearm a quick reassuring squeeze. Isak smiles back, and lets his mind wander, lets himself imagine Even moving his hand just a little further down to lace their fingers.

Isak clears his throat. “I don’t know shit about bipolar,” he admits, slightly embarrassed. Even laughs softly, and moves his hand in distracted patterns against Isak’s arm.

“I would say the same about being gay, just to make you feel better,” he says, “but that would be lying, since I’m pansexual.”

This is the second thing that Isak doesn't really know how to react to. “Oh.”

“Don't think about it, anyway,” Even tells him. “It’s just, like, episodes. Sometimes I can be really stoked, or sometimes really depressed. Most of the time I’m just… somewhere in the middle, I guess. It’s no big deal.”

Isak can hear the lie in his voice. “You switched schools because of it,” he points out, and Even shrugs.

“Yeah. Well, I mean, it sucks. But it’s better now than it was. I'm okay.”

“You'd tell me if you weren't, right?” asks Isak, trying to keep his voice gentle. “I mean, we are insomniac buddies. There's got to be some sort of bro-code there, right? We tell each other the deep shit that we'd never dream of saying in the daylight when we’re not high.”

Even laughs quietly, then Isak’s imagination comes to life as he slides his hand down Isak’s arm and laces their finger together. “Of course. Insomniac buddies can’t be taken lightly.” Isak smiles up at the sky. “And the same goes for you, okay? You'll tell me if you're not?”

“Yeah,” Isak replies, and he hopes Even doesn’t sense the way his voice flattens a little as he says it. “Of course.”

There’s silence between them for a few moments, Even still holding Isak’s hand tight, and Isak isn’t sure which of them he’s doing it for. Maybe it’s just that Even likes the comfort it brings, to have the warmth of someone else’s hand in his own, but if Isak detaches himself enough, focusses enough on looking up at the clouds, he can imagine that this is for him; that this is because of him. Even’s hand is holding his, because Even wants _Isak’s_ hand in his, and no-one else’s. Isak loses himself in this thought.

“Hey,” the third year speaks up softly, after a while, “you just came out to me. That's huge.”

Isak gives a relieved laugh at the distraction of Even’s words, and pushes his free hand through his hair. “I think I came out to myself, too,” he confesses, because, in a way, saying it out loud for the first time, it feels like it.

“Feeling alright?” Even asks.

Isak nods, then turns to the side to see if Even saw it, or if he just nodded into thin air. Even is already looking at him, and Isak is filled with the desire to move forwards and press his lips against Even’s. He looks away instead, back up at the cloudy night sky, letting a lazy smile drift over his own face as his mind does what his body was too scared to do.

He finds himself wanting to keep talking, like Even suggested. There’s things he wants to say, and now he feels as though he’s got a chance to say them, free of judgement, because he trusts the boy next to him. After three nights of insomnia, he feels safe around Even.

“It’s still,” Isak starts hesitantly. “It’s still scary.”

“Scarier than thunderstorms?” Even asks with a teasing smile.

Isak laughs. “Fuck no.” He waits a moment. “I just don’t want to be that gay kid, you know? like, I don’t want people to think they know who I am just because I like boys and not girls. I’m not gonna, like, go around wearing makeup and tights just because I don’t like girls.” He almost spits this last part out, and then feels cruel. Wearing makeup and tights is the sort of thing that Eskild does, and he’s made it sound like he hates him for it.

“Hm,” Even replies, thoughtful, and Isak finds himself surprised that he doesn’t sound angry, just understanding. “I know what you mean. But wearing makeup and tights isn’t the worst thing to do in the world. People are just trying to express themselves. They’re no less worth your respect because they fit into stereotypes.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Isak mumbles. “I don't think people are wrong for doing that. It came out wrong. Sorry.”

He feels Even give his hand a reassuring squeeze, but he doesn't reply for a minute. “I do know what you mean, though. People think they know everything about you because of one thing about you.”

“It’s like,” Isak tries again, “it’s like, I just know people will act different if they know. Like they won’t see me as me anymore, I’ll just be the gay guy,” he sighs. “I don't know. I'm tired.”

“Maybe you should go to sleep.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Who are you and what have you done with Isak Valtersen?”

Isak smiles to himself. “It’s just nice out here. There’s more interesting things than sleep.”

“I think I’m a bad influence.”

“Yeah, probably.”

Silence falls again, as both boys smile up at the sky, keeping hold of each other's hands as they do, somewhere along the way giving each other a wordless promise not to let go.

“I get it, though,” Even says a few minutes later. “People act different when they find out I'm bipolar, too. Like, my ex started trying to control me, and teachers looked at me like… like they were just waiting for me to snap again. That’s why I switched to Nissen, for a fresh start and stuff.”

This time it’s Isak’s turn to give Even’s hand a squeeze. “How did she control you?”

Even lets out a sigh. “She just… started telling me what to do and stuff. There's ways to deal with bipolar, like, not drinking, or smoking, or having a decent sleep schedule.”

Isak looks at Even then, one eyebrow raised, and Even sighs again, although it’s more of a laugh this time.

“Shut up,” he says. “That's why I broke up with her. I know she was just being protective, she meant well, but she was just… suffocating. Like everything I did was because I was having an episode. Like I wasn’t still allowed to live my life just in case I did.”

Isak hums in understanding, he thinks he does get it, at least, he’s trying to.

He's still thinking of his mother, though, and how he allowed everything to go wrong with her when she was unwell, how everything went after his father left. How it was his fault. He couldn't stay strong enough to stick around his mother when she needed him.

He's been back to visit since, and she's forgiven him, and he loves her and cares about her, and she's in a better place now, but he should never have left in the first place. Even would hate him if he knew, and he doesn’t want that. He’s not ready for this night to end like that.

So, he keeps quiet, and hopes that Even won’t see through him.

He doesn’t know why he’s worried, really, because he’s had years of practice of not letting people see through him. Even’s seen one part of him, now, but there’s still hundreds of walls up around him, one’s that he still isn’t ready to take down.

Although, he comes to realise, maybe he could be. If it wasn’t for the possibility of saying it wrong, of hurting Even and having this end on such a bad note, he could be ready to take the walls down.

Even makes it feel easier to think about, when they’re lying down under the sky, and Even is being honest with him, and he’s trying, trying, trying to be honest with Even. What’s more is that he wants to be honest, it feels right to be honest with Even.

And it’s weird, and scary, because it feels like all he’s ever done is lie to people, and be fake with people. Sometimes it feels like that’s all he is, just a liar, an imposter, trying to fit in by being who he isn't, and he wonders what’s underneath that – is there anything underneath that? Not even Jonas, his best friend, knows who he really is. He’s never told Jonas he’s scared of thunderstorms. He's never told him his part in messing up his relationship with Eva. He's certainly never mentioned liking boys.

Maybe Jonas knows. Maybe he is aware of some of the things Isak thinks and feels and has done, because they've known each other that long. Jonas knows about his mother, and he knows that Isak moved out, and maybe he’s noticed the way that Isak pointedly looks away from girls at parties, and he's a smart guy, he’s observant, so maybe he can fit some things together.

Isak still feels like a liar, though, because he still hasn't told Jonas these things himself. But now, here he is, with a guy he met three days ago, under strange circumstances and a dark sky, and he wants to be truthful. And it doesn't feel bad, for once. It’s scary, but it feels right.

He’s so lost in thoughts like these that he doesn’t notice the patch of clear sky where the clouds have dispersed. The stars visible through the small break in the grey swirls are mesmerising, and Even brings Isak’s attention to them with a gentle nudge.

“I told you we were going stargazing,” he says, smug, and Isak smiles.

“Yeah,” he breathes, in awe of the sky above him. Maybe he should remind himself they’re just stars, so he doesn’t seem like a nerd, but he doesn’t think Even minds, really. Even’s the one that brought him out here in the first place.

He turns to Even, for what he doesn’t know, whether it’s to see if he’s judging Isak, or to see what he looks like when he sees the stars, but he finds Even’s eyes are already on him.

He raises an eyebrow at Even. “Isn’t the point of stargazing to look at the stars?”

Even considers him for a moment, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. “Why aren’t you looking at them, then?”

Isak doesn’t know what to say to that; _I was checking if you were looking,_ or _you were looking at me first_ don’t seem good enough replies. He opens his mouth a few times, trying to say something better than those, but comes up blank. Eventually, he just turns back to look up with a confused huff, and hears Even let out a quiet laugh from beside him.

Isak wonders what it’s like to be able to breathe.

He doesn’t know how it happens, but the next thing he knows is that he’s being shaken gently awake by a hand on his shoulder, with the early morning sun shining down upon him, and Even’s other hand still held tight in his own. He loosens his grip, slightly embarrassed, but Even just smiles down at him.

“Morning,” he says. “Sleep well?”

He kind of did, actually. Although it’s beginning to register now that he’s not all that warm, and the ground is uncomfortable, and it feels like there’s a stone digging into his back, he slept, at least.

Isak sits up slowly, nodding in reply to Even’s question, and reluctantly removing his hand from Even’s.  

“Did you?” he asks, looking away from Even. Even doesn’t reply, but Isak thinks it’s probably that he’s not looking to see a nod. “What time is it?” he asks after a few seconds of silence.

“Half six,” replies Even. “You slept nearly four hours. I think you needed it.”

All Isak can do is give a nervous smile and a nod in response.

“I should, uh, go back to my tent,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. “Jonas might be, uh, confused, I guess.”

Even exhales a quiet laugh. “Yeah, good idea.”

They walk back in silence, and go their separate ways with a smile at the edge of the woods again.

“See you tonight, baby otter!” Even calls over his shoulder.

Isak wrinkles his nose in confusion. “Baby otter?”

“You’ll work it out,” is Even’s reply, and then he’s gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading! hope you enjoyed, please let me know if you did!  
> as always, huge thanks to [isi](http://isisisak.tumblr.com) for her endlessly wonderful support while i've been writing this!  
> come befriend me on [tumblr!](pansexualmahdidisi.tumblr.com) i am always willing to talk about 21/06/17 in great depth, with a lot of yelling  
> love always xxx


	4. night 4 - "tell me about them"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aliens, phone calls, and red sky in the morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello pals! i am v v sorry this took so much longer than i said it would, i got kicked in the metaphorical balls with post skam blues and couldnt be bothered to write it :P but it's here now! and fingers crossed ch5 will be speedier (feel free to bother me if it isn't)
> 
> enjoy!!

Isak arrives to the log on the fourth night, and looks around in confusion. Of course, he was here first yesterday, so it’s not that weird that Even’s not there first again today, but this time his blanket’s there, draped over the log, and Even’s nowhere to be seen.

But before Isak knows it, something’s falling on his head – a twig, it turns out, that’s been thrown at him, and he looks up to see Even sitting in the tree above him, an evil grin on his face as he looks down at Isak.

“Asshole,” mutters Isak. “Why are you up there?”

“Nice view of the stars,” Even replies with a shrug. “There’s no clouds tonight. Come up and see.”

Isak is shaking his head before Even finishes the sentence. “I’m not climbing trees in the dark. I told you, I’m never listening to your ideas again.”

He’s half expecting Even to argue, to try and persuade him, but Even just nods, and jumps down, landing next to Isak, stumbling slightly. Isak pretends to himself that he isn’t sure why it makes his heart jump when Even puts a hand on his shoulder to steady himself.

He coughs and looks down, and when he looks back up Even is smiling at him, eyebrows raised. He tilts his head in the direction of the grassy hill they’d spent last night on. “Shall we go up there, then? See the stars properly?”

It only takes a second of consideration before Isak gives a nod. “Let’s go.”

Even snatches up his blanket and strides off, again leaving Isak to hurry after him. A few minutes later they reach the top of the hill, and Even spreads the blanket down and lies down, leaving space next to him for Isak.

Isak has other ideas though. With a sudden wave of confidence, he lies perpendicular to Even, and rests his head on Even’s belly.

“What are you doing?” Even asks, confused, but Isak can hear the smile in his voice.

“You're comfier than the ground,” explains Isak, grinning. Even exhales a laugh in return.

“Okay, then.”

Isak doesn’t count on the fact that with his head resting on Even, he’s in the exact right position for Even to run his hand through Isak’s hair. It’s never occurred to Isak before that this might be a nice feeling, because no one’s ever done anything like this for him before. Now, though, he thinks he could have Even’s hands brushing through his curls for the rest of his life, and never get bored of it.

They watch the stars in silence for a while, and Isak feels almost as though he’s in love with where he is right now, with this moment. Feeling Even’s steady breathing underneath him, the gentle hand in his hair, the bright stars above him, and the comfortable silence around them - it’s the best he’s felt in a long time. He could stay in this moment forever, and for a while, it feels like he can.

“Do you reckon there’s aliens out there?” Even says after the silence has stretched on for what could be hours, or maybe just minutes. It doesn’t matter to Isak how long it’s been, exactly. He doesn’t dislike the silence, not when he’s with Even.

He has to fight himself on talking Even’s ear off, though, when he hears the question. “Of course there’s aliens out there, Even. Do you know how fucking huge the universe is?”

Even laughs, and Isak feels him shake with it, and finds himself realising he underestimated how much of a nice sensation that would be.

“Tell me about them, then,” he says. “What are they like?”

Isak thinks for a moment. He’s never been the most creative of people, preferring to base his knowledge off things he can see, things that are already there. But Even makes him want to change that, now, if he wants to know what aliens are like, then Isak will think of something

“They’re… big,” he starts, and cringes straightaway at how ridiculous it comes out, but continues anyway. “Like, the size of blue whales, except… they have three legs, and a trunk, like an elephant. And, they have 7 eyes.”

He can feel Even laughing softly. “They sound pretty ugly, to be honest.”

“They’re aliens, what do you expect?”

Even hums. “So, can they talk?”

“Yeah. Fluent Japanese,” Isak grins, and Even’s laughter continues.

“Okay. What colour are they?”

“There’s no need to be racist, Even.” He can almost hear Even’s eyeroll. “They’re rainbow coloured,” Isak decides, wondering where he found the courage to say that. Maybe it shouldn’t be a big deal, but the idea of rainbows used to make him want to throw up, or run a mile. It doesn’t, anymore, at least, not around Even.

“So, they’re all gay?”

“Obviously.”

“What planet do they live on?”

“I don’t know, I don’t speak Japanese.”

Even’s laughter gets louder still, and he starts to ask another question, when Isak’s phone starts to ring.

_Mamma calling (02:21)_

Isak sits up, away from Even’s comforting hand in his hair and the warmth from his body, and bites his lip as he looks down at the phone, then glances over his shoulder at Even. Millions of worries shoot through his brain at lightspeed, but he swallows them down and presses answer, in case his mother needs him.

“Hi, mamma,” he says making sure to keep the nervousness out of his voice while he waits to hear sobbing or panicked mumbling from the other end of the phone. To his relief, his mother only seems a little distracted when she replies.

“ _Hi, baby_ ,” she says in a shaky voice, “ _how are you_?”

“I’m good, mamma. Why are you ringing me at 2AM? Is everything okay?”

“ _Yes, yes, everything’s fine, baby. I just wanted to check in on you. Eskild said you weren’t at home_.”

“I’m not, mamma, remember?” Isak tries to explain calmly. “I’m on a school trip. Why did you ring Eskild?”

“ _You said you needed rent money_.”

“No, mamma, it’s pappa that sorts my rent, okay? You don’t have to worry about it.”

“ _Oh - okay,_ ” she says, hesitantly. _“Well, I-”_

“You should get some sleep, mamma, okay?” Isak interrupts gently. “I can ring you in the morning, if you’d like. And I’ll come and see you when I’m back in Oslo.”

“ _Yes, that sounds – that sounds nice, baby. Okay, sleep well._ ”

“You too. Night, mamma.”

“ _Goodnight, baby_.”

He hangs up the phone, then turns to look at Even, to see his reaction. The older boy is still looking up at the stars, the expression on his face suggesting that he didn’t hear a thing, although Isak knows that can’t be true. He’s thankful for Even’s pretence, though.

When Isak lies back down, he doesn’t rest his head on Even again. Instead, he lies beside him, carefully keeping a distance between their bodies, going so far as to flinch slightly away when Even shifts and his elbow ends up touching Isak’s. It’s at this moment when Even speaks up, because Isak probably made it too obvious that something’s changed.

“Everything okay?” It’s a mild enough question, and at first, Isak answers with just a noncommittal hum, and hopes Even won’t push it further.

He doesn’t push, and he doesn’t try and touch Isak again, either. Isak’s body feels more and more cold as more and more time passes without some point of contact between them, but he can’t make himself initiate it, and Even doesn’t try again.

Without turning his head, he slides his eyes to the right, to see where Even’s gaze is directed. It’s towards Isak, as he suspected, and there’s a gentle smile on his face, one that Isak desperately wants to return, but can’t bring himself to.

More silence passes, with Isak biting his lip in worry. Eventually, he sucks in a breath.

“She’s – she’s not very well,” Isak explains, before realising that Even might not have any idea who he’s talking about. “I mean, my mamma,” he clarifies, biting back down on his lip after he says it.

“Okay,” replies Even, and his voice is soft. Isak thinks, or maybe just hopes, it sounds almost forgiving. It says _don’t worry_ and _keep going_ and _I’ll listen_ , or maybe that’s just what Isak wants to hear.

He carries on anyway, for himself. He pushes through the worries of _Even will hate you_ , and lets the words flow out of him, like they’ve needed to for a long time. The story tumbles out of his mouth, words falling over each other, and shaking, and still somehow healing with every sentence.

He tells Even all about his mother’s episodes, and his father’s indifference that became absence, a stunt that Isak eventually copied. He tells Even about how he left her, in the middle of the night, while he was blind drunk and making stupid decisions, and how he met Eskild. He tells Even how he lived in a basement and avoided her for over a month.

He tells Even how it was so hard to go back to see her, how he was scared of her, of the way she turned to God to cope with her thoughts. He tells Even that he abandoned her, just like his father did, because she was mentally ill.

He tells Even that he knows it was all his fault, that he was an idiot, but he’s trying to make it right, or at least better, and Even’s comforting hand finally slides into his own. When Isak turns his head to look at him, their eyes find each other, and it feels okay, even though Isak doesn’t think he deserves that much forgiveness from Even.

When Isak is finished, neither of them speak for a while. Even stays smiling gently at Isak, and Isak is unsure whether he’s smiling back, or just letting his eyes roam over Even’s face, searching for the disgust that he should be finding there, but isn’t. The longer this goes on, the more Isak starts to believe that maybe it is okay after all.

Even’s smile eventually turns playful again, and Isak feels the mood lighten immediately, to his relief.

“Your mamma calls you baby,” Even teases, and then before Isak can react he’s moved his free hand to Isak’s face and is pinching his cheek. “Little baby Isak.”

Isak shoves him away with an indignant noise, fighting a laugh. “Get off me!” Even lets go of his face with a grin, but Isak notices, to his relief, that their hands stay linked. “You’re almost as bad as fucking Eskild.”

“Oh, I’ve _got_ to meet Eskild now.”

“Uh, _no_. Never happening.”

“Aw, come on, baby!” Even protests, and Isak knows that he’s teasing because of his mother but that word coming from Even makes him think of a million parallel universes, where he said it differently. He swallows, trying to push the thoughts down, and just grins at Even instead, although he’s sure that Even can sense the shift in tone too.

Isak lets out a nervous laugh and redirects his gaze up to the stars, hoping that Even will do the same, because he’s looking at Isak now, and it’s a look that says things that Isak isn’t sure he’s ready to entertain the possibility of, because he could so easily be wrong. He _must_ be wrong.

“Isak?” Even speaks up a few seconds later, voice soft. Isak hums to let Even know he’s heard, but doesn’t turn, or form real words. He’s not sure he can. “I just-” Even pauses “-I could never hate you, you know? The stuff with your mamma, it’s – I just want you to know I don’t hate you. You shouldn’t blame yourself for it. It’s not your fault.”

“Oh,” Isak says, feeling a little foolish that words seem to have escaped him right now. “Okay. That’s – thank you.”

More silence passes, until Isak hears Even take another deep breath, as though he’s about to say something important.

“So, those aliens,” is what comes out, and Isak should have known really. This ridiculous, incredible boy next to him can shift the atmosphere in a second, and Isak is so – so – “what do you reckon they eat?”

“Um,” Isak thinks for a moment, losing his train of thought. “Spaghetti.”

“Really? Not something more exciting?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know,” Even says. “Clouds, maybe.”

“Clouds are just made of water.”

“Space clouds, then.”

“Plasma, gas, and space dust,” Isak replies, raising a smug eyebrow at Even.

“Nerd.”

“Loser.”

“Baby,” Even grins. “Baby otter.”

“Why do you even call me that?” Isak asks, and Even just keeps grinning at him.

“If you don’t know, I can’t tell you. You’re meant to be the nerd.”

Isak huffs, pursing his lips and turning away from Even. “Whatever.”

A few seconds later, he absent-mindedly turns to his other side, and quickly lets out a loud yelp, bolting upright. On the blanket, a few inches from his face, there’s a spider. It’s not even big, but _god,_ Isak hates insects, especially when they’re near his face.

He hears Even let out a confused laugh from behind him. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Isak replies quickly, then changes his mind. “There’s a spider.”

“You’re scared of spiders?”

“I’m not scared of them,” Isak denies. “I strongly dislike them being near my face, as any normal human being should.”

It sounds like Even is laughing at him, so Isak turns to scowl at him, only it turns out it’s quite difficult to pretend to be grumpy when Even is beaming at him like that.

“Screw you,” he mutters. “I’m using you as a pillow again so that the spiders can’t get to my face.”

Even’s smile widens. “I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think my stomach is insect-proof.”

“More insect-proof than the ground,” replies Isak, settling himself back with his head on Even’s belly.

“Maybe I’ll find as many insects as I can and put them on top of you just to prove you wrong.”

“Never mind, I’m going to bed.” Isak decides, starting to sit up, but Even brings his arm over Isak’s chest and pulls him back down, laughing. Isak wants him to keep his arm there, keep the comforting weight and warmth across his chest, keeping him held safe, but no sooner than Isak has allowed himself to be pulled back against Even’s stomach, the arm is gone from around him, to his disappointment.

He’s possibly a bit too thrilled when Even’s other hand finds his hair again a second later, though, brushing gently through the strands, his touch careful, caring, perhaps almost _loving_ , although Isak won’t let himself entertain that thought. He knows it’s just his imagination running wild in the dark, taking the friendship he’s being shown and twisting it to suit his own desires.

“I’ll keep you safe from the insects, baby otter,” Even says softly, and Isak rolls his eyes with a smile, before Even continues, teasing this time. “Although, I’m pretty sure otters eat insects, so maybe we’ll have to change your name.”

Isak lets out a dramatic sigh. “How about Isak? Since, you know, that’s my actual name?”

“Dull. How about you eat the spider, and we can keep your name?”

“I could still leave,” Isak threatens, but makes no move this time. Even’s arm still comes to rest back over his chest, even though Isak is sure he can tell it was an empty threat.

“No, you won’t,” Even replies with a grin.

It takes all Isak has not to move his arms up to cover Even’s arm with his own, to keep it against him this time, but it turns out he doesn’t need to anyway. Even’s arm stays there, and Isak lets out a contented sigh, as they both fall silent for a while, watching the stars, watching the world go by. Isak hasn’t ever felt this safe before.

They’re not completely silent. Occasionally, one of them will speak up and they’ll start a silly conversation, more about the aliens, or more teasing. It’s nothing of meaning, but also nothing Isak would want to change.

“Vincent Van Gogh might have been bipolar,” Even says out of nowhere, and all Isak can think to do is let out a noise of confusion at the seemingly random statement. “I was just thinking about him, because, you know, he painted the Starry Night.”

Isak hums in understanding. “Not a great role model, though, from what I’ve heard.”

Even lets out a quiet laugh. “No. But it’s a nice painting.”

Isak lets himself focus back on the night sky above him, and smiles.

“Do you paint?”

“Nah, not really. Takes too long. I’m more of a shitty cartoons guy.”

“I’m sure they’re not shitty,” Isak reasons, and Even laughs.

“I’ll draw you something sometime, you can see for yourself,” Even twirls his finger through the curls around Isak’s ear, and then hums. “Maybe I’ll draw you.”

“Only if you make me look hot.”

“You don’t need help with that.” Even says it so calmly, but Isak thinks his heart skips a beat, or three. _It doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t mean anything_ , he tells himself, but how could it not? Maybe it’s nothing to Even, a throwaway comment like all the casual touches and glances he’s been giving Isak since last night, but it’s nowhere near nothing to Isak. None of this is anywhere near nothing to Isak.

He doesn’t know how to react, so he looks back up at the stars, and starts counting, to distract himself. Neither of them acknowledge Even’s comment, and the next time one of them speaks it’s Even, teasing, telling Isak he’s found a new constellation that’s shaped like an otter.

The night fades, eventually. Deep blue scattered with stars turns pale and blank, then swirls with clouds of oranges and pinks, stormy purples and striking reds.

“Red sky in the morning,” Even says quietly, pensively, and Isak nods.

“I preferred the stars, though.”

“Of course you did, nerd.”

“They’re cooler than the sunrise!”

“Why’s that?” Even sounds as though he disagrees.

“Because.” _They just are_ , Isak wants to say, but he also wants to say something interesting, to keep the conversation going, and to explain himself. “Because think about it, you could either look at just one star, that’s so close that looking directly at it could blind you, or you could look at billions, all at once, ones that look a lot nicer.”

“The clouds are nice, though.”

“Going blind probably isn’t.”

Isak watches the sunrise with Even anyway, he lets Even point out the ever-changing shapes in the clouds, and the mesmerising colours that he sees. Isak revels in Even’s excitement of it all, and listens to him talk with quiet adoration that he’ll only admit to in his tired state.

“It’d look so much cooler if we were high, though,” Even says after a while of talking, and it’s only then that Isak realises that they aren’t high, not tonight, and yet, he’s still so relaxed. Maybe the third year just has that effect on him.

That’s a lot to think about, though. He’s not sure he’s ready to consider it, at least not in the newfound silence that’s fallen between them. And the sun is up, now. This is where the night ends.

“ _We tell each other the deep shit that we'd never dream of saying in the daylight when we’re not high_ ” so maybe they can break one rule at a time, but not both at once. It’s the daylight, now, and they don’t have the excuse of intoxication to keep talking. Plus, Isak needs to sleep. Even too, probably, although that’s none of his business.

He’s almost too nervous to say goodbye to Even, this time. They reach the edge of the forest and Isak doesn’t know what to say.

“See you later,” he chooses, biting his lip, trying not to react too much to the wide grin that Even gives him as he agrees.

When Isak arrives back at his tent minutes later, Jonas isn’t asleep either. He’s giving Isak a curious look, and Isak racks his brain to come up with what he can tell Jonas, because he’s certainly going to ask where Isak’s been.

“Dude, where’ve you been all night?” Yup, Isak knew it.

“Uh, watching the sunrise,” Isak replies nervously, his brain shifting into autopilot and telling the truth, and the rational part of him cursing himself for it, then realising, a second later, maybe it’s not such a bad thing to tell the truth.

Jonas gives him an odd look. “Alone?”

“Uh,” Isak clears his throat nervously. “No.”

Jonas grins, and wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. “Romantic. Who with?”

“Uh.” Isak thinks for a moment, wanting to say it but not knowing how, then changes tactics. “Jonas, did I ever tell you I’m scared of thunderstorms?”

Jonas looks at him, confused, but answers with a shrug. “You didn’t tell me,” he replies slowly. “But we went on that cabin trip last year and you spent the whole night of the storm holed up in your room. I worked it out.”

“Oh. Okay.” Isak doesn’t really know what he wanted to get out of Jonas’ answer. He’s not sure why he asked it, only, maybe it feels a little easier to tell him other things now.

“Where did that come from?” Jonas asks, and Isak isn’t sure how to explain.

“I was just wondering.” It’s easier to leave it at that, and let Jonas continue the conversation.

After considering him for a moment, Jonas speaks again. “So, who were you with just now? _Was_ it romantic?”

Isak thinks for a moment. Was it? For Isak, yes. But it’s only been four nights. He’s fallen too fast, too hard, for this virtual stranger, and he doesn’t know him, doesn’t know how he acts in the daytime, sober, or how he acts around other people. He doesn’t know if he has a secret hobby of kicking puppies or stealing bicycles.

And at the same time, he knows far too much about him, a product of insomnia and weed that coaxed them into spilling their secrets to each other. And Isak hasn’t changed his mind, with every new thing he’s learnt about Even. He just keeps on feeling more and more, and it’s terrifying. But however much or little he knows, he can’t really deny how he feels, not any more.

“I wouldn’t have minded if it was,” he admits, choosing his words carefully. “But I don’t think so.”

“Hmm,” Jonas replies, then tilts his head to the side with a sly smile. “You gonna give me a name, or?”

Isak bites his lip, then speaks in a voice barely above a whisper. “Even.”

“The new third year?” Jonas’ answer is quick, and sounds unaffected by Isak’s confession. So, that’s something.

“Yeah,” Isak lets out the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding, and wonders what he’d been so worried about. Jonas catches his eye and smiles, then continues to ask questions.

“But it wasn’t romantic for him?”

“I don’t know,” Isak says, looking for a way to express what he’s thinking. “He’s a weird guy,” is what he settles for, in the end, because he’s too tired to explain everything, and it would be a whole lot of “I don’t know” and “he’s confusing”, with very few actual facts – because he doesn’t know all the facts himself.

“Not so weird that you’re not into him, though,” Jonas says, and Isak huffs a laugh. It’s not scary to admit it to Jonas, anymore – easier, in fact, than admitting it to himself.

“Yeah,” he replies. “Anyway, I haven’t slept, so…” he tails off and lets Jonas work out that that’s the end of the conversation.

Jonas lets Isak burrow himself down into his sleeping bag before he speaks again.

“You _are_ kind of oblivious sometimes, though.”

Isak doesn’t reply.

“Sleep well, Isak.”

He hears it in Even’s voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos make me happier than isakyaki updating his insta (in another life D:)  
> and i've changed my tumblr url!! i'm now [evenshands](http://evenshands.tumblr.com) because, well, even's hands. u know the feelz (pls say u know the feelz)  
> love always xxx


	5. night 5 - "you're safe now"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thunderstorms, comfort, and learning each other in the daylight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooooooooooo  
> i have no excuse for how long this took  
> or, i do have an excuse, but its something pathetic about anxiety and a new job etc etc blah blah blah good story thank u  
> but its finally here! chapter 5/5  
> the end of this fic (but maybe not the end of this 'verse idk yet)  
> i hope you enjoy and dont hate me too much for the wait and dont get too confused of the happenings in this chapter bc lbr even i forgot what had already happened in this fic so i have no doubt you guys did  
> anyway yeah enjoy

Red sky in the morning turns into a thunderstorm at night.

It starts just as Isak is in the showers, trying to get the grime of camping off himself (spoiler alert – it doesn’t work. Camping is horrible and he doesn’t think he’ll ever get clean, especially in these showers. He’s going home tomorrow anyway, though, so he doesn’t suppose it matters too much.)

The problem is, though, when he gets out, he’s stuck in the main cabin, essentially stranded by the thunderstorm, because there’s no way he’s going outside in _that_ , even snug in his grey sweater with the hood pulled tight around his face. He wonders if he can just sleep on one of the chairs or something until the storm calms.

And then Even finds him trembling at the door, and without a word, takes his hand and squeezes it tight. Isak is so distressed by the loud thunder that he can’t find it in himself to be worried that someone might see, all he can do is feel the comfort rolling through him in waves from Even’s warm hand. There’s no-one around anyway – everyone has long since gone back to their own tents, and besides, why would they care about two nobodies holding hands? And why should Isak care what they think, when he hasn’t felt this much comfort in a long time?

Lightning flashes, and Isak does all he can think of, to start counting, mumbling the numbers under his breath until he hears the rumble of thunder.

“What are you counting?” Even asks him, but Isak focusses until thunder crashes, then heaves a sigh of relief.

“It’s eight kilometres away,” he tells him, and Even just tilts his head in confusion. “The lightning,” Isak explains quickly. “So, it can’t hit us.” He feels foolish saying this as soon as the words are out, and looks down at the ground, kicking his feet against it. “I mean, I wasn’t worried about that, or anything. That’d be ridiculous.”

Even just gives him a smile. “’Course not,” he says cheerfully, and Isak returns the smile gratefully, before thunder sounds again, and his smile fades as he hunches his shoulders up, cowering slightly from the noise.

Even looks as though he’s considering Isak for a moment, and then comes to a decision. “Come on,” he says. “We’ll run.”

Isak wants to protest, tell him he’s not going out in that, and anyway, where are they going? But when Even tugs on his hand he’s powerless to do anything but follow him, to dash out into the heavy rain and across the dark field.

Even leads Isak inside a little tent that’s separated slightly from the others, and when they’re inside, he turns on a little torch in the corner, and wraps his sleeping bag around Isak’s shoulders.

“There we go. You're safe now,” he tells Isak, and Isak can almost believe it. “Feel okay?”

Isak nods wordlessly, shaking a little from a mixture of cold and fear. The smile that Even gives him is almost enough to warm him up, though. Even pulls the blanket from next to him, the one they've been lying in the last two nights, and puts that over the top of the sleeping bag, using this one to cover Isak’s head as well, so that only his face is visible, with his eyebrows raised in amusement.

Even grins. “You look cosy now.”

“What about you?” Isak asks, reluctant to let Even get cold.

Even hums in thought. “You might have to share.”

With that, he tugs one side of the covers from Isak’s hand and slides next to him, pulling the sleeping bag and blanket so that it wraps around both of them, pressing their sides together in a way that Isak doesn’t know how to react to. “That’s better. You good?”

“Mhm,” Isak mutters, trying to control his breathing.

“Still nervous?” Even asks, and Isak doesn’t know how to tell him he’s misinterpreting completely.

“No, I’m fine,” Isak says, shaking his head slowly. “I’m fine,” he repeats, hoping that it might be more true the second time.

There’s another crash of thunder, and Even pulls the blankets tighter, and wriggles one of his arms around Isak’s back so that it’s around his shoulders. Isak lets out an involuntary shiver when Even’s fingers come into contact with the bare skin of his neck, where he rubs small comforting circles with his thumb.

“Relax,” Even’s voice is gentle, reassuring.  “I’ve got you.”

Isak smiles gratefully, then turns his attention away, forces himself to focus on breathing for a while, ignoring his thoughts. Instead, he listens to everything else – the sound of rain on the tent, his heartbeat, his breath - in – 2, 3 ,4, and out – 2, 3, 4 - just like when he’s shutting his brain up so he can sleep.

He doesn’t even come close to forgetting who is next to him, pressed up against him, one arm around him and stroking comfort into his skin with his thumb.

A few minutes later, his phone vibrates in his pocket, and he remembers that he hasn’t told Jonas where he is. He reaches to get his phone out, and angles it slightly to the side away from Even before opening his messages to Jonas.

 **Jonas (21:20)** _dude you okay?_

_you went for a shower like an hour ago and now i’m concerned that you’re in a corner somewhere hiding from the thunder_

**Isak (21:21)** _i’m with even_

_and i’m not that much of a wimp_

**Jonas** **(21:22)** _sure youre not dude_

_anyway have fun_

_good luck_

_dont do anything i wouldnt do_

**Isak** **(21:23)** _you have five seconds to shut the fuck up_

 **Jonas** **(21:23)** _goodnight isak! see you tomorrow!_

_if i see you tonight i’m kicking you right back out into the storm!_

_so you better stay with even_

**Isak (21:24)** _goodnight jonas._

_< 3_

**Jonas (21:24)** _ <3_

He replaces his phone in his pocket and looks back at Even, who is looking away, and to his relief, doesn't seem to have seen his messages.

Thunder crashes again before Isak can speak, and his body tenses up. He brings up his hands to cover his face in embarrassment.

“God this is so fucking _stupid,_ ” he mutters, annoyed at himself for showing himself up in front of Even, cursing his irrational fear.

“It’s not,” says Even, voice soothing. “It’s okay.”  He pulls Isak closer in towards him.

And that’s – that’s Even’s _lips_ being pressed against Isak’s temple, and he’s never felt anything simultaneously more calming, nor that makes his brain louder, than this.

“It’ll be over soon,” Even murmurs into his hair, and all Isak can do is take in a shaky breath and nods, hands still over his face.

“Can you just… talk, or something?” Isak says. “Distract me?” _Distract me from the storm. Distract me from my head. Distract me from you._

“Okay,” agrees Even. “What should I talk about?”

“I don’t know,” says Isak. “What… what do you wanna be when you’re older?”

He knows it’s a dumb question, but it’s the first one he can think of, and he can’t afford to spend any more time thinking, getting caught up in his own brain.

Even hums in thought, then grins. “I’m gonna be a storm chaser.”

“A storm chaser?” Isak finally pulls his hands away from his face so that he can raise his eyebrows at Even in affront.

“Yeah, like in America, you know, where they drive into the middle of storms to study them.”

“I hate you,” Isak says, and Even laughs softly.

“But don’t worry,” he says, “I won’t chase them to study them. I’ll just chase them to keep them away from you.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Isak says, rolling his eyes to try and fight the smile spreading across his face.

“No?” Even asks, and Isak shakes his head, looking down at his hands now. “Damn. I guess I’ll stick to my original plan.”

“What’s your original plan?”

“I wanna direct,” he keeps talking when Isak doesn’t reply. “You know, like films and stuff.”

“I know what directing is, Even,” teases Isak.

“Well, you didn’t reply!”

Isak pulls a guilty face. “What are you going to direct?”

“Thor,” Even grins.

“I hate you.”

“So you’ve said.”

“Because it’s true” Isak retorts quickly, although they both know he’s lying. “I bet you’ve never even made a film before.”

Even’s smile changes, then. It seems forced, and Even doesn’t speak again. But Isak’s fairly sure Even knew he was joking. This seems like something else.

He doesn’t have the words to express that, though. Saying “ _are you okay_ ” or “ _i was just kidding_ ” doesn’t feel right. He knows what he needs to do.

Even’s hand, the one that’s not wrapped tight around Isak’s shoulders, is resting in his lap, fingers tapping anxiously against his knee, and Isak reaches out for it, threading their fingers together, and just holds on.

The thunder returns, and makes Isak tremble again.

“Sorry,” Even says, voice falsely bright. “I was meant to be distracting you, wasn’t I?”

“It’s okay,” Isak manages to say. “I’m okay.” _Are you?_ He doesn’t ask this out loud. Even doesn’t speak for a moment. Isak can almost see his mind whirring at high speeds, but doesn’t know how to help except to move his thumb in circles over Even’s knuckles.

Even takes a deep breath in. “I used to make films with my friends from Bakka.”

A million options for what Isak could say to this race through his head, but none of them seem quite right. It’s a few seconds before Isak simply squeezes Even’’s hand and asks “what kind of films?”

Even looks down and smiles to himself. “Stupid ones. We did stop motion animation with my little sister’s barbies and action figures and stuff.”

“What were the films about?” Isak asks, sensing that Even might want to talk about this, and Isak wants him to talk about something to distract him. It’s a win-win situation, and it definitely feels like he said the right thing when the smile on Even’s face gets brighter, and he lets out a quiet laugh.

“Well, there were loads,” Even replies. “But as an example, one of them was about Captain America falling in love with Vladimir Putin.”

Isak gives a confused laugh. “Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

“Who came up with the idea?” Isak thinks he knows the answer already.

“That would be me,” Even grins. “Mikael-” his voice cracks suddenly, but he clears his throat quickly and continues to speak “-the guy who made the films with me, he told me that it was ridiculous too.”

“I didn’t say it was ridiculous,” Isak backtracks, but Even just laughs.

“It _was_ ridiculous,” he says. “But it was fun.”

He tails off then, huffs out one final quiet laugh, and falls silent.

“Do you-” Isak asks. “Do you still talk to him?”

Even looks up then, meets Isak’s eyes, and his expression reveals the answer before his words do. “No,” he looks away again. “I want to, I just - with all the shit I did, everything I put him and my other friends through - it’s difficult.”

“What do you mean?” Isak asks.

Even bites his lip. “I haven’t spoken to them since I was manic,” he says, exhaling heavily.  “I don’t think they know I was. I acted - well, manic. So they just think I - I don’t know what they think.”

Isak nods slowly, hoping that Even picks up on the way his hand tightens its grip on Even’s, and the way his thumb strokes more certainly across the back of his hand, because he doesn’t have the right words to tell Even that it’s okay, but he wants him to know it anyway.

“They text me sometimes,” Even continues. “I haven’t ever replied to them.”

Isak recognises _that_ situation. “You should,” he says. “I know about not talking to people that you care about. They probably miss you.”

Even nods, and finally his hand squeezes Isak’s in return. “Thanks,” he says in an almost whisper.

“You need someone to help you make more films, anyway,” Isak says, hoping to lighten the mood. “Or else you’d be depriving the world of the love story between Putin and Captain America, and no-one wants that.”

Even drops his head down, hiding his laughter, and Isak grins.

“Actually, I think _everyone_ wants that,” Even jokes. “But if you’re so desperate to see more of my films, I’m sure I could make more for you.”

“Okay,” Isak smiles, but doesn’t know what to say to this. He’s now realising how effective Even’s talking was at distracting him, making him laugh and turn his mind away from things he’s too scared to think about, because now he’s heard the words “for you” and they feel so much more weighted than they should, and in the quiet that’s fallen again, save for the rain, he’s spiralling down into his thoughts and fears and desires and it’s getting too much.

“Wanna know what the next film’s gonna be called?” Even says with a grin, but Isak is still in the middle of his noisy thoughts, and can’t give much of an answer.

“Mm.”

 _“The Baby Otter Who Was Scared of Thunder_ ,” Even tells him, sounding far too pleased with himself.

Isak can’t physically hold back the eyeroll. “Sounds like a shitty kid’s film.”

Even’s arm tightens around Isak as he laughs again.

“Why do you call me baby otter?” Isak asks. “You still haven’t told me.”

“You still haven’t worked it out,” replies Even.

“How would I have worked it out?”

“You’re meant to be smart.”

“Whatever,” Isak scowls.

There’s a moment of quiet, before Even smiles fondly, as though bringing back a beloved memory, and then speaks up.

“Sea otters hold hands when they sleep.”

Isak’s scowl fades into a look of surprise. He’s not sure if he should be grumpy about this name, or embarrassed, that he had slept with a vice-like grip on Even’s hand two nights ago. He doesn’t really know what to say.

Thankfully, the thunder rumbles again, and he’s saved from responding by his body’s innate fear reaction to the loud noise outside. Even pulls him in even closer, moves one hand round the back of Isak’s head and pulls it into his shoulder, and Isak thinks he feels him press a kiss to Isak’s hair as well. He turns his face so that he’s hiding in Even’s neck, and tries not to think about it as he lets out a yawn.

“Look at you,” Even says fondly, “you’re fucking exhausted.”

“No, I'm not,” Isak lies, pushing his face further into Even’s neck, so that when Even responds with a laugh, Isak feels it vibrate through his whole body.

“Come on, lie down,” Even coaxes, pulling at Isak so that he lies back with him, and pulls the blankets further around them. “You'll sleep better if you're being cuddled. I’ll even let you use me as a pillow.”

Isak mumbles something that he can’t understand himself, so he's not surprised when Even doesn't reply to it, and instead just moves him down so that his head is lying on Even’s chest, and he’s breathing in Even’s scent, and it’s somehow so calming.

“Shh,” the older boy says. “Just sleep. I'll be right here.” He strokes Isak’s curls, and Isak drifts off to the feeling of Even’s hands in his hair and the steady rhythm of his breathing, and with Even holding him, he thinks he could sleep through even the loudest of storms.

*

He wakes a few hours later, just as the sun is beginning to rise, and his first thought is to look up at Even. The blankets have fallen away in the night, but what with being curled into Even’s side, and the sun beginning to warm up the tent, he's not cold.

Even’s eyes are already on him, with a gentle smile on his face. Isak answers it with a tired one of his own, and then buries his face back into Even’s neck.

He's not sure why he does what he does next. It’s probably something to do with his poor impulse control when he's tired. It’s just far too tempting to nuzzle his nose into Evens neck, and then press his lips to it.

He feels Even shiver from above him and immediately pulls back. “Sorry,” he mumbles, embarrassed.

“No, it’s okay,” Even replies, sounding a little dazed. “It’s - more than okay.”

Isak doesn't know what to make of that. He rolls away onto his back, head still cushioned on Even’s arm, and tries not to think too much when Even shifts to follow him, rolling onto his side, moving his arm out from underneath Isak.

Then, before he knows it, Even’s lips are pressed to his neck, and Isak is the one shivering.

“See,” Even smiles against his skin. “This is okay, right?”

Isak nods carefully, not trusting himself to speak.

Even presses more kisses into his skin, slowly moving up to Isak’s jaw, and then further. Time slows down when his lips reach the corner of Isak’s mouth, and then he pulls back, just a centimetre, and their eyes find each other in the early morning light.

“This is okay too, yeah?” Even asks, and Isak nods again.

It really is okay. Isak doesn't think he's felt any better feeling than this, when Even leans back down, and kisses Isak. It’s soft at first, so soft that Isak might be imagining it, but then again, he doesn't think he could imagine anything that feels this incredible.

It stays gentle. Isak isn't sure if he wants more, but he knows he likes this, so that's how they stay, lips moving slowly against each other, hands moving to tangle in hair. Time passes, but Isak doesn't feel it. He only cares about Even, right now. It feels like he's only ever cared about Even.

Isak doesn’t want it to ever end, really, but it does. Eventually, Even pulls away, and lies down beside Isak, and Isak turns, so that they’re facing each other, both smiling softly.

He feels like he should say something.

“That was-“

“Yeah.”

They smile at each other, and then fall silent again.

In the silence, Isak gets lost in thoughts again, but they’re not unpleasant, this time. He can still feel the ghost of Even’s lips against his, and now Even’s finger is running lightly over his face, tracing all over with gentle touches and Isak can’t help but wrinkle his nose and pretend to be grumpy. “What are you doing?”

Even just grins at him and continues, while Isak just watches him, allowing himself to have this moment, and making no effort to stop it – because he never wants it to stop.

A few moments later, Even’s grin takes on a slightly mischievous look as he runs his finger down Isak’s nose, and then he presses on it, squishing it, and Isak moves back on instinct, pouting at Even, who just keeps smiling.

“Your nose is really squishy,” Even tells Isak, who rolls his eyes. “I have to change your name again,” he huffs dramatically. “Otters don’t have squishy noses.”

Even moves forward, then, and rubs his own nose against Isak’s

“You’re such a loser,” Isak mumbles, smiling.

“You should have worked that out before you kissed me.”

“Yeah, maybe I should,” Isak teases, and Even makes an offended noise, then falls silent again, smiling.

“I’ve worked out what to change your name to,” he announces a few seconds later. “Baby elephant. ‘Cause of your nose.” He squishes it again to prove a point, then hums. “And ‘cause you’re scared of spiders. Like how elephants are scared of mice.”

“I’m not scared of spiders!” Isak protests, and when Even raises his eyebrows in disbelief, he sighs, defeated. “Elephants probably don’t even notice spiders,” he mumbles, trying to redirect the conversation.

“Maybe you should take a leaf out of their book, then.”

Isak grins. “Maybe you should _leaf_ me alone.”

He’s expecting Even to groan and move away from him, but Even just laughs as if it’s the funniest joke he’s ever heard. The sound makes Isak’s heart feel as though it’s too big for him in the most cliché of ways, and he can’t help but move closer to Even as he hears it, tilting his head slightly to ask for another kiss.

When Even stops laughing, he doesn’t comply with Isak’s silent request. Instead he gives a cheeky grin and pulls back slightly. “I thought you wanted me to leave?”

Isak reaches a hand out to grab weakly at Even. “No,” he whines. “Stay. I like you.”

Even’s eyebrows shoot up. “You like me? Is it me you’re talking to?”

Isak’s face flushes red, and he immediately starts to mumble. “Didn’t you get that from the kissing?”

“It’s different when you say it out loud though,” Even says, and moves closer to Isak with a soft smile, pressing a kiss to Isak’s lips. Isak sighs happily and lifts a hand to run through Even’s hair. “Say it again.”

It’s too tempting for Isak to resist teasing Even a little. “Hm?” he asks, as if he’s misheard.

Even pushes his nose into Isak’s. “Say it again.”

“I like you.”

It’s not difficult to pull Even back in after that, in fact, Isak is pretty sure that even if he hadn’t tugged on the back of Even’s neck he would have moved in anyway. They kiss lazily for what feels like hours, although half of it isn’t kissing – it’s just smiling against each other’s lips. Isak wouldn’t change it, though.

“I like you, too, by the way,” Even murmurs, pulling away from Isak’s lips and moving to rest their foreheads together. “Just in case you were wondering.”

Isak thinks he knew that, to be honest, but hearing it is one of the best feelings he thinks he’s ever had. But he doesn’t want to embarrass himself with how much he smiles in reaction to it, so he simply looks down, away from Even, trying to avoid his eyes.

“You’re getting shy now?” teases Even. “Did you think I didn’t like you?”

Isak takes a deep breath in, bites his lip, lets his gaze flicker up to Even, then away, then back again. It’s not that he thought Even didn’t like him, but he’s remembering now his insecurities, all the reasons why he didn’t think that this could be real. They’ve known each other five nights. It just doesn’t seem enough.

“What if,” he starts, voice shaking slightly, “what if we don’t–I mean–what if when we go back home, it’s just – fuck, I don’t know. It’s just that – I’ve only known you five days. Or, nights, even. Maybe I only know you when it’s dark. I don’t know.”

He looks back up at Even, expecting him to be upset, or confused, but what he finds is a thoughtful look on his face.

“I mean,” Isak continues, rushing his words now in mild panic, letting his insecurities take control of his voice and run with it. “What if we’re – different, kind of. When we’re not high, or tired, or whatever. What if you don’t like me when it’s daytime?” Even, thankfully, shakes his head at this, strokes a thumb across Isak’s cheek to comfort him. He’s still silent for a few more seconds, and then seems to light up with an idea.

“So,” he says slowly, “so we’ll go for a walk now. When it’s light, and we’re not tired. And I ran out of weed anyway,” he grins. “No-one else will be awake for a while yet. Come on.” He sits up

“I’m not a morning person,” grumbles Isak.

“Come on,” repeats Even, still smiling fondly at Isak. “For me.”

How could Isak refuse that?

They walk back out into the forest, hands linked and swinging between them. Isak can’t help the way that his eyes dart around as they cross the field, looking for anyone watching, but between the fact that he sees no one, and the way his hand is held in Even’s - he’s calm, and comfortable, and ready to follow wherever Even leads.

They don’t talk at first. It’s not an uncomfortable silence, in fact, it’s the opposite. Every few seconds Isak’s grip will tighten on Even’s hand for no apparent reason, and Even’s will tighten back, and then he’ll let out a low chuckle and Isak will smile down at his feet, and they’ll keep walking.

Isak looks over at Even a couple of times, only to find that he’s already looking back.

“You’ll walk into a tree if you don’t look where you’re going,” Isak half-grumbles, but the smile on his face betrays him.

Even just grins, then reaches down to the floor and picks up a rock, handing it to a confused Isak.

“Here,” he says. “Otters are meant to have a favourite rock. This can be yours.”

Isak narrows his eyes at Even as he accepts the rock. “How do you know so much about otters?”

Even bites his lip, looking slightly embarrassed. “Google.”

“You googled otters?” Isak makes his eyes even narrower.

“Yep.”

“When? And why?”

Even clears his throat. “Uh. Two days ago.”

Isak stops walking, pulling on Even’s hand to force him to stop too.

“Wait.” Even raises an eyebrow at Isak. “You googled otters two days ago…” he tails off, staring at Even, who flicks his eyebrows up and grins.

“Yep.”

“Huh,” Isak huffs, reluctantly impressed, as he starts to throw the rock up into the air and catch it. “Well, thanks for the rock, I guess. Although,” he says with a sly grin. “It’s actually penguins that give each other rocks.”

“So you’re saying…”

“Well, I don’t know what baby penguins are called,” replies Isak. “But I’ll google it later.”

Even throws his head back in laughter, then pulls on Isak’s hand, bringing him forward to press a kiss to his lips.

They get caught up in it. It’s a few minutes later before they break apart, and continue to walk, eventually reaching the familiar sight of their log.

It looks different in the light. Isak hadn’t noticed the patches of moss before, or the little cluster of mushrooms growing underneath, or the twigs sticking out of the side.

He doesn’t really care about that, though. It’s still the same log.

He’s wondering now why exactly Even brought them here – he’d said they were going for a walk, not to sit back on this same log (although, Isak’s pretty lazy. He wouldn’t really mind if that were the case.)

When he turns to ask Even this, he notices Even’s attention directed towards the tree opposite the log, the one he had climbed yesterday. It’s pretty obvious from the excitement on Even’s face what’s coming.

“You said you wouldn’t climb it in the dark,” says Even, tilting his head towards the tree, and bouncing on his feet. “It’s not dark anymore.”

Isak shakes his head half-heartedly, but Even already has one foot up on the lowest branch, and is hauling himself up onto it.

Isak follows, of course.

The branches are slippery with the rain that fell last night, and he’s fairly sure Even’s legs must be inhumanly long to allow him to climb the tree with that much ease, but Isak somehow manages to copy anyway, finally swings himself up onto the branch, and sits, wincing slightly at the damp soaking through his clothes, but it’s too late to care.

There’s a branch and leaves separating him and Even, but as soon as Isak is settled, Even pulls the branch down, resting his elbow on it to keep it down so that he can see Isak properly.

“I’m impressed, you know,” Even says with a sly grin. “Otters don’t usually climb trees.”

Isak rolls his eyes. “I told you we wouldn’t like each other in the daylight.”

With a raise of his eyebrows, Even leans forward, and rests his chin in his palm, looking at Isak. “You can’t resist me.”

Isak figures he’s allowed to move closer, now, and press his lips against Even’s, so that’s what he does, because, to be honest, Even’s probably right. He can’t resist him.

“I’m gonna fall out of this tree if you’re not careful,” Isak grumbles, moving back slightly when Even pulls insistently at his waist. “and then I really won’t like you.”

Even sits back too, then looks at Isak considering. His smile turns gentle, and his hand rubs gently up and down Isak’s back. “So, why are you really so worried? Do you think I don’t like you? Have you decided you don’t like me after all?” His tone is teasing, but there’s a serious note underneath, and Isak looks down, thinking.

“It’s not that-“ Isak tries, then stops, and starts again. “It’s just – my brain is loud.” That’s all he can really think to say.

Even nods in understanding. “Mine, too.”

“But,” Isak says, softer now. “it gets quieter. around you. I think.”

“Mine, too.”

It’s already second nature for Isak to reach his hand out to take Even’s, to lace their fingers together and hold on tight.

“You’re not the only one who’s worried about this though. About us.” Even looks away, and takes a deep breath in. “I mean, you haven’t seen me when – when it gets bad.”

Isak doesn’t reply straightaway. Even has fixed his gaze down at his feet hanging through the branches, kicking them mindlessly and biting his lip, resolutely avoiding Isak’s gaze.

“It won’t change my mind,” he says certainly, although maybe that’s not the right way to phrase it. Maybe he’s said it wrong, because he doesn’t have the right words to express it. But he knows that’s not what he’s worried about, and he wants Even to understand that this isn’t it.

“You don’t know that.”

It’s a few seconds before Isak’s organised his thoughts enough to try again. “No,” he agrees, reluctantly. “I don’t know that, I guess. But you don’t know that it _will_ change my mind.” He sighs. “Neither of us knows how it’ll go. That’s what scares me. It’s not you that scares me.” Even doesn’t reply, but turns his head to meet Isak’s gaze, still nibbling at his bottom lip in worry.

“A nuclear bomb could drop on our heads tomorrow,” Even says finally.

Isak gives a confused laugh. “Well, yeah. I wasn’t talking about that sort of scale, though.”

“But it could. And then discussing this would be a waste of time.”

Isak thinks about this, really thinks about this. Even is right, and Isak doesn’t have any reason to disagree with him. He wants this to work, he likes Even. He’s only scared that it’ll end because he likes Even so much.

“So you’re saying,” Isak tilts his head, “we should appreciate it while it lasts, right?”

Even smiles, then nods, squeezes Isak’s hand and tugs on it to bring Isak closer towards him. Isak follows without complaint, letting Even connect their lips once more.

“So we’ll try?” Even asks, voice full of hope.

“We’ll try,” Isak confirms, feeling more confident now. “We’ll take it slow. Like, a day at a time. I think we can work it out. I like you.”

“I like you too,” Even grins, and kisses Isak again.

“And if we don’t work out at least I know what the plot of your next film will be.”

“Oh, I have to write a film about us?”

Isak nods. “Yeah.”

“And if we do work out? What film do I make then?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” asks Isak, raising an eyebrow. Even mirrors him, then shakes his head. “ _The Baby Otter Who Was Scared of Thunder_.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank youuuuuuuu so much for reading!! i hope you enjoyed and if you did it would be lovely to know what you thought in a comment or something!! or kudos or whateverrrrr  
> u may have notice this fic is part of a series.... it may not mean anything, but it also might.... idk yet  
> anyway i'm now working on a notting hill au bc i'm trash so stay tuned for that [thumbs up emoji] its gonna be greattttttt  
> as always thank you so sosososososo much to my wonderful isi for being a constant source of positivity and wonderfulness in my life and for giving me so much support for this fic, i know i wouldnt have finished it without her <3  
> and one last time, find me on tumblr [@evenshands](http://evenshands.tumblr.com)  
> love always xxx

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! i really hope you enjoyed bc this fic is like my child honestly
> 
> comments and kudos are super appreciated they make this whole thing worth it to see that people enjoyed it (if you did heh)
> 
> and thank you so much to [isi](http://isisisak.tumblr.com) for letting me yell at her abt this fic so much, and for reading it and encouraging me and everything!
> 
> come and find me on tumblr, [here!](http://pansexualmahdidisi.tumblr.com)
> 
> love always xxx


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